Since my near nervous breakdown this morning I have had some time to reflect on my current situation and exactly where the realities and fantasies depart from each other.
The two high glucose readings (last night and this morning) on my new handy dandy glucose monitor and a trace of ketones in my urine this morning pushed me nearly over the edge. I think I have tried so hard during this pregnancy to convince myself I will get to experience a relatively uneventful pregnancy and full -term baby (despite the odds against that possibility) that the reality of the situation is a little more than my brain is willing to handle. I have spent the majority of the past couple of days feeling guilt over the fact that I probably had no business getting pregnant in the first place while not at an ideal weight or 100% perfectly healthy, for not being more careful about what I have been eating and for the high likelihood that I am about to put another baby and everyone else through the trauma of a preemie birth. And the fact that the nurse is likely right about my blood sugar - and the thought of (multiple) daily insulin injections somehow doesn't make me feel any better.
Thank goodness for Stephanie, who agreed to watch Bryn this morning while I went for a walk and got some much needed fresh air. All I can do is take things one day at a time and get on with business...after all, there's still laundry to do, a house to clean, online classes to get ready, a kid to discipline, a husband to nag (for no good reason) and a dog to clean up after. And of course a baby to incubate. All blessings for which I am truly thankful.