Saturday, January 12, 2008

Ramblings, realities and delusions

Since my near nervous breakdown this morning I have had some time to reflect on my current situation and exactly where the realities and fantasies depart from each other.

The two high glucose readings (last night and this morning) on my new handy dandy glucose monitor and a trace of ketones in my urine this morning pushed me nearly over the edge. I think I have tried so hard during this pregnancy to convince myself I will get to experience a relatively uneventful pregnancy and full -term baby (despite the odds against that possibility) that the reality of the situation is a little more than my brain is willing to handle. I have spent the majority of the past couple of days feeling guilt over the fact that I probably had no business getting pregnant in the first place while not at an ideal weight or 100% perfectly healthy, for not being more careful about what I have been eating and for the high likelihood that I am about to put another baby and everyone else through the trauma of a preemie birth. And the fact that the nurse is likely right about my blood sugar - and the thought of (multiple) daily insulin injections somehow doesn't make me feel any better.

Thank goodness for Stephanie, who agreed to watch Bryn this morning while I went for a walk and got some much needed fresh air. All I can do is take things one day at a time and get on with business...after all, there's still laundry to do, a house to clean, online classes to get ready, a kid to discipline, a husband to nag (for no good reason) and a dog to clean up after. And of course a baby to incubate. All blessings for which I am truly thankful.


Debi said...

I know it won't help one iota to say this, but you really do need to stop blaming yourself! Seriously, Kara...that doesn't do a damn thing but make you more miserable! I know you would never place the blame on someone else in your position.

Lord knows, insulin shots would suck more than words can say. I could never even get myself to go there in my thoughts. But you'd deal with it...lots of women of far less strength have done it (bless their hearts!), and you will too if it comes to that.

And if things start going south with the preeclampsia issues, well, you'll deal with that, too. It will suck. It will suck really, really badly! But in the end, after all the pain and worry and suffering you went through the first have a beautiful, incredible little girl! I hope the scene doesn't repeat itself; I hope that with all my heart! But if it does, you'll fight your way through it again. And then that beautiful, incredibly little girl of yours will have a beautiful, incredible little brother to play with.

I can't tell you how much I wish there was something, anything I could do. And if you do think of've got our number--use it! Loads of love and hugs, to you, my dear sweet friend!

Debi said...

And by the way, obviously we're two different people, so who knows if this means anything at all...but it took over a week before I was getting glucose readings on a regular basis that weren't high. And even then, there were some really high readings from time to time, despite the fact that I followed the diet to the letter (I had no choice, as I was on bed rest already and had to have my food prepared for me). Like I said, maybe the same won't happen for you, but then again, maybe it will...there is some hope.

More huge hugs to you!

Jean said...

What Debi said! If we were supposed to wait until we were at an ideal weight, all health problems resolved, and all the stars and celestial bodies aligned before we got pregnant, the human race would have died out long ago. You do the best you can now, and hang in there!

Debi said...

Oh sweetie--you are more than welcome for the pep talk. And while I believe with all my heart in everything I said, I wish I could do more! Because I do realize that just knowing you CAN make it through the rough times, doesn't mean that they won't be rough. (I hope that makes sense.) And I'm still sending every ounce of good, positive energy your way, hoping that things really will be much better this time around! I hope you know how much you're loved, girl!

Debi said...
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~**Dawn**~ said...

Hang in there, girlie. I'm glad you feel refreshed. You must be feeling better because you have a sense of humor present. This -- a husband to nag (for no good reason) -- just cracked me up. You just work on growing a human & take it one day at a time.