Thursday, September 27, 2012

Searching for center

I have been searching for my center for a while now. The search probably started somewhere in the middle of Wyoming on a 15+ mile training walk (one thinks of lots of strange things while walking alone for hours) in 2009, continued through my diabetes diagnosis, some inexplicable losses, a deliberate resetting time at Brave Girl Camp and a few more months of deciding that there is work yet to be done.

I have spent the last few months simplifying and cutting back and resting. I have discovered that this behavior doesn't make sense to some people. They think I have abandoned them, and I suppose that, in a way, I have. The results of that have sucked - some of them have lashed out or wished me ill. I actually understand this behavior, as anger is my own default when I feel wronged or attacked. I often say and do things I am seriously sorry for later. My retreat has made perfect sense to other people - many of them who have been on a similar journey of their own -  and they have encouraged me and embraced me and loved me.

I am still working on stepping away from the carnival and into the peace. I am working on protecting myself and not apologizing for doing so. I am trying to reconcile the idea that sometimes I do not have to have a logical reason or an explanation for everything I do - sometimes a feeling is reason enough. I am working on being a kinder and gentler soul - allowing others to be who they are without responding with criticism or anger.

I am working to figure out what I can handle as far as commitments and relationships and hobbies. It seems like such a simple idea, but it is one of my biggest challenges. I get over-scheduled and overwhelmed and find that it is difficult for me to enjoy much of anything as I rush through my days, getting more and more aggravated as each hour passes.

What a long and arduous journey it is, yet I am so thankful to be on the journey every single day.

I really look forward to figuring it all out. And to the resulting book deal allows me to buy a fabulous house on the beach.