I just can't seem to right my ship. I can't find my normal, but I know I want it back.
Laurel's death has left me in a place I haven't found myself before - in a spot that I can't "reason" myself out of. No logical thought, step-by-step process or rational thinking is taking me from point a to point B. I am flabbergasted that this loss has knocked me down in a way that nothing else has. I mean, I didn't talk to her everyday. I haven't physically laid eyes on her in years. I hadn't even met her two youngest daughters. But that girl had worked her way into my soul - obviously into one of those places I didn't even know existed because I don't know how to deal with it now that it is exposed.
I get to the point that I think I am on the right track, but then one little (or not-so-little) thing throws me off kilter again. I have less patience than normal (which means I now have ZERO patience), I can't keep the house picked up or get dinner cooked and I just want to run screaming into the night when the car battery dies or the cat pukes on the rug or I wash and dry a pen.
If I went to the doctor, I would bet I would get a diagnosis of depression.
But before my 3 readers (especially you, Mom) freak out and stage an intervention, I would like to say that I KNOW this isn't forever and I KNOW it will get better. I am not spending my days crying or contemplating suicide or coming up with an alternate identity so I can take off for parts unknown. I am familiar with the nature of these things and I fully expect that before long I will once again be riding the high crests of the waves rather than sputtering down here in the troughs. The long and the short of it - some things just suck right now. Not many things, not most things, just some things. And this is one of the blessings of living - having the ability to feel...ALL of it - the good and the bad. I thank God every day that I am here to feel it all. I know I am truly blessed.
But I still want my normal back. And sooner rather than later would be preferable. Pretty please?