Thursday, September 27, 2012

Searching for center

I have been searching for my center for a while now. The search probably started somewhere in the middle of Wyoming on a 15+ mile training walk (one thinks of lots of strange things while walking alone for hours) in 2009, continued through my diabetes diagnosis, some inexplicable losses, a deliberate resetting time at Brave Girl Camp and a few more months of deciding that there is work yet to be done.

I have spent the last few months simplifying and cutting back and resting. I have discovered that this behavior doesn't make sense to some people. They think I have abandoned them, and I suppose that, in a way, I have. The results of that have sucked - some of them have lashed out or wished me ill. I actually understand this behavior, as anger is my own default when I feel wronged or attacked. I often say and do things I am seriously sorry for later. My retreat has made perfect sense to other people - many of them who have been on a similar journey of their own -  and they have encouraged me and embraced me and loved me.

I am still working on stepping away from the carnival and into the peace. I am working on protecting myself and not apologizing for doing so. I am trying to reconcile the idea that sometimes I do not have to have a logical reason or an explanation for everything I do - sometimes a feeling is reason enough. I am working on being a kinder and gentler soul - allowing others to be who they are without responding with criticism or anger.

I am working to figure out what I can handle as far as commitments and relationships and hobbies. It seems like such a simple idea, but it is one of my biggest challenges. I get over-scheduled and overwhelmed and find that it is difficult for me to enjoy much of anything as I rush through my days, getting more and more aggravated as each hour passes.

What a long and arduous journey it is, yet I am so thankful to be on the journey every single day.

I really look forward to figuring it all out. And to the resulting book deal allows me to buy a fabulous house on the beach.


Karen Hossink said...

"It seems like such a simple idea, but it is one of my biggest challenges."
I hear you on that one, sister. Just had some of those same thoughts yesterday. Praying God will show me where HE wants me to be. Praying for you, too!

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

You are right to step back and to do so unapologetically. A TRUE friend will understand when you need time and space for yourself.

I think overscheduling is one of the most harmful things a person can do to themselves. I have a friend who is constantly going and going. Guess what she complains about the most? :-) I never say anything, but I would LOVE to tell her to quit trying to cram so much in her life and simply enjoy what she already HAS. My cents.

Amanda said...

Socrates said "the unexamined life isn't worth living". I think you're doing a great job of examining your life and deciding what is worth living for. Let me know if you need to stare down to the bottom of a coffee cup in your examinations.

Debi said...

I wish I had the words to express how very much I love this post, Kara. Love it because it is so very inspiring...I want so badly to follow your lead, and I will continue trying to. But love it even more because it fills me with such happiness that you're on this journey for you!!! I'm sorry that some people have reacted badly. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes thinking of anyone saying something hurtful to you just for trying to take care of yourself. :( But ever the generous soul that you are, you seem to be handling even that with grace and understanding.

I hope you do get it all figured out, dear friend. Though I suspect it's something that will always need tweaking. And thank you. Seriously, thank you. I feel so inspired right now to stop putting this journey off, to stop waiting until life slows down to figure out what I want. Life will never slow down if I don't make it.

And Kara, you will sign my copy of your book when it comes out, won't you?

Jean said...

Two bits of advice that helped me to commit to less: (1) "No" is a complete sentence. (2) "If you have to have an answer right now, then no, I won't be able to [insert whatever you're being asked to do here]." I won't say they helped me right away or all the time, but they did help a bit. Good luck!!!

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