Searching for center

I have been searching for my center for a while now. The search probably started somewhere in the middle of Wyoming on a 15+ mile training walk (one thinks of lots of strange things while walking alone for hours) in 2009, continued through my diabetes diagnosis, some inexplicable losses, a deliberate resetting time at Brave Girl Camp and a few more months of deciding that there is work yet to be done.

I have spent the last few months simplifying and cutting back and resting. I have discovered that this behavior doesn't make sense to some people. They think I have abandoned them, and I suppose that, in a way, I have. The results of that have sucked - some of them have lashed out or wished me ill. I actually understand this behavior, as anger is my own default when I feel wronged or attacked. I often say and do things I am seriously sorry for later. My retreat has made perfect sense to other people - many of them who have been on a similar journey of their own -  and they have encouraged me and embraced me and loved me.

I am still working on stepping away from the carnival and into the peace. I am working on protecting myself and not apologizing for doing so. I am trying to reconcile the idea that sometimes I do not have to have a logical reason or an explanation for everything I do - sometimes a feeling is reason enough. I am working on being a kinder and gentler soul - allowing others to be who they are without responding with criticism or anger.

I am working to figure out what I can handle as far as commitments and relationships and hobbies. It seems like such a simple idea, but it is one of my biggest challenges. I get over-scheduled and overwhelmed and find that it is difficult for me to enjoy much of anything as I rush through my days, getting more and more aggravated as each hour passes.

What a long and arduous journey it is, yet I am so thankful to be on the journey every single day.

I really look forward to figuring it all out. And to the resulting book deal allows me to buy a fabulous house on the beach.

From the mouths of babes

This is the prayer the kids' Sunday School class wrote this summer. It made me chuckle. Grant wouldn't fess up to any participation in any of the lines - he maintains that he just colored (which I am not buying since he is about as quiet as his mother!).

Hi!
How's it going?
We will worship you every day!
Thank you for games and food and gifts.
I made my sister cry.
I'm sorry!
Keep us safe .
AMEN

Well, it's back to just the two of us at home during the day. He misses having his sister home every day to play with, but it isn't long before he is off to preschool himself. And KINDERGARTEN next year!?!?! But we are not going to think about that just yet.

Another Milestone

Bryn started middle school today. Since middle school starts in 5th grade here, I realize that she is technically not REALLY middle school age, but still. Time flies.

 

We sent her out the door and she never looked back. Sniff. That is my forward looking, independent kid, I guess.

Reports from her first day were good. I decided to go into this year without gathering much info about the specific teachers or the administration to avoid any preconceived notions. So far, things are going smoothly. Now to get through day 2.

Enough Chicken

Ya know...I don't even really like chicken much anyway. I would much rather have a big, juicy sirloin or a burger or even a little minute steak. And I could eat crab legs or shrimp or oysters all day long. But chicken? Meh. I have struggled for years to find a way to cook chicken that gets me all excited right down to my intestinal core. Hasn't happened.

I guess it is just as well since I have evidently been forced into making a decision about whether or not I am going to boycott Chick-Fil-A because of the owners opinion on the "traditional family" and where he donated portions of the monies dished out from chicken lovers the world over.

I don't have a terribly long blog in me on this particular subject. I have read many blogs that did a far better job of summing up both sides of the "argument". And while I do believe that Dan Cathy can say and believe whatever he wants about whatever he wants to, I also believe that he donates to organizations that oppose equal rights for homosexuals. I find it offensive that he donates to these groups, just as I would find it offensive if he donated to groups that support dog-fighting or segregation in schools. I believe that homosexuals and dogs and black people (among others) should be treated with dignity and respect. And I believe that if you publicly state an opinion that people find objectionable, they have a right to say they think you are an idiot (and boycott your business). Is that nice? Probably not. Should one use pleasant words and simply say they disagree with your opinion and smile and move on. Probably. But that isn't the way the world generally works. People tend to become hateful and irrational and emotional when they feel attacked or offended. Is that ideal? No. But it is reality - and we all know it. So if you choose NOT to shut your mouth, you run the risk of this reality occurring. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

So will I be eating at Chick-Fil-A anytime soon? No. Because just as Dan Cathy has a right to donate his money and efforts to what he believes in, I have the right to keep my pennies from going where I wouldn't normally put them.

Now I remember...

why I haven't been blogging much. I don't feel like I have very much to say. Surprisingly enough, I have been relatively mellow lately. I haven't gotten worked up over politics or stupid people or the fact that Kansas resembles a ring of hell complete with dead, brown grass and temperatures that make crying about them pretty pointless as the tears evaporate as soon as they are squeezed from the tear ducts. Although I am a little put out by the fact that I currently have no running water - it seems that Tonganoxie has been having a hard time keeping the water pipes together lately.

I did want to mention, though, that today marks Aaron's and my 13 year anniversary. If I weren't feeling so lazy, I would scan a nice wedding photo. We had the best wedding and reception ever (and I am TOTALLY unbiased). Aaron is still a wonderful husband, father, provider and garbage taker-outer. He puts up with a lot of craziness from me, and I am so happy that 13 years later, he hasn't run screaming into the night. Well, except for that one time. But he came back.

Anyway, Bryn tells me we have running water again. Time to go flush the toilets and rinse the breakfast dishes.

Hello Again!

It has come to my attention that there are actually a few people who stop in here to read and they have wondered where I have gone (thank you all 3 of you loyal readers!). The problem when I stay away so long is the need I feel to recap all of the events I have missed blogging about. So here it goes... We muddled through the spring and early summer. Here are some of the highlights...

• We celebrated the kids birthdays (10 and 4 - wow) 
• Bryn finished 4th grade
• Grant had his last day of Parent's Day Out (onto preschool next year)
• Bryn and I took a Spring Break trip to St. Louis on the train with Riley and Victoria
• The Hunger Games move finally came out 
• Bryn played soccer and took a theater class at the Arts Center
• Grant played blastball (a fast paced and kind of hilarious form of t-ball)
• I went to Vegas with Krista and got a tattoo (OK...it was only a temporary one. I still can't commit to a real one) 
• I finished my tenure as Library Board president - yippee! Now I am treasurer...
• All of us visited Idaho and I went to Brave Girls Camp (more on that later, most likely) 
• I survived another year of VBS. Probably more importantly, all of the kids survived another year of me at VBS 
• All of the grandparents came for a visit (not all at the same time, although even that might work as they are all pretty well behaved!) 
• We took a family canoe trip with friends 
• Bryn went to Animal Camp for a week 
• Aaron and I went on an adult canoe trip with friends and laughed our asses off all weekend. Actually, we laughed a lot but none of my ass disappeared in the process, unfortunately.
• I bought a guitar that I have no idea how to play.

As always, when I list our goings-on, I feel like it is way too short a list to be taking up so much time in my life. That being said, I have been working hard to simplify my life and quit living at such a frenetic pace. Some days are more successful than others in that regard, but I figure it gives me a goal to keep working on. Or something. At any rate, dear readers, I am back...frenetic and crazy and always full of opinions.