It has been exactly one year since my official diabetes diagnosis. It has been quite a trip. And not the all-expenses-paid, room-with a view, drinks-are-included kind of trip. It has been fraught with highs and lows and learning lots of information I didn't really want to have a need to know.
One year ago I felt horribly sick (and was horribly sick), was having paralyzing anxiety attacks and wasn't sure I would be around today to be blogging at all. I felt that bad.
But here I am.
I am thankful for that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
My diagnosis has put me in very real touch with my mortality. The statistics are depressing. I am 2 to 4 times more likely to die of heart disease than someone without diabetes. I am 2 to 4 times more likely to have a stroke. 60-70% of people with diabetes have some type of nervous system damage. My risk of dying of kidney disease is tripled, my risk of liver cancer is doubled and my statistical chances of having Alzheimer's, COPD, blindness, digestive problems, dental problems and limb amputation are higher than in my non-diabetic peers. Diabetes will easily shave 5-10 years off of my life - if I am fortunate enough to not develop any of the above problems before then.
Awesome. Not exactly the kind of information that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Most of the time I work really hard to not become one of the above statistics. Most days I do pretty well - I make good choices and keep myself pretty healthy. There is some good news for me 365 days after my diagnosis. Even though I am still far from an ideal weight, I have evicted 50 pounds from my body (although pounds 48, 49 and 50 are kind of like boomerang children - they keep coming back when I send them out into the world). I have gone from having high blood pressure, triglycerides, cholesterol, liver enzymes and blood sugars to being in the normal range for all of them (except my HDL which still runs a little low despite plenty of red wine and fish oil). Based on my current blood work, you would have no clue I have diabetes. I am off of my diabetes medication and still maintain decent blood sugar levels (most days) and I even exercise once in a blue moon. I have met some cool people through various diabetes activities and forums and I feel A LOT better than I did a year ago.
But despite the positives, the reality is that having diabetes really sucks. I realize it could be worse. I could have complications. I could have the added pressure of dealing with a continuous glucose monitor, insulin injections and hypoglycemic episodes. I could have family and friends that aren't supportive of me. I could have bad doctors and/or no access to the information I need to keep myself as healthy as possible. I could have bad lab results despite a real effort to keep my numbers under control.
But it still sucks.
I don't put a single thing in my mouth without thinking about how it will affect my blood sugar (I admit it doesn't always stop me from making bad choices, but I still think about it). I seem to have a very low tolerance for carbohydrates. Without a highly functioning pancreas or the benefit of insulin injections I can't enjoy foods that should be relatively guilt free (think nice juicy apples, fruit salad, low-fat yogurt, carrots, a warm piece of freshly baked whole grain bread) much less Girl Scout cookies, a loaded baked potato, a piece of apple pie or a serving of lasagna with breadsticks without seeing a blood sugar number that is too high. Okay...in all fairness, I can drink water and eat broccoli - and I actually like broccoli - without guilt or deleterious effects, but really!?!?! Broccoli!?!?!
I have a whole new level of guilt when I can't get my butt up to exercise or I don't feel like tacking that extra few minutes onto my treadmill time. I can work myself into a tizzy if I think about not having the opportunity to see my kids grow up or be around when my husband retires someday (I mean who else will make him long for the working days if I am not around to drive him crazy?). It is difficult to eat out and no fun to fix two meals to accommodate my and my family's dietary needs. It is tiring to explain to others why and what I should be eating and I get cranky when I have to avoid most things on a table full of yummy food when I am a guest at other people's houses.
And it really is hard for me to go it (virtually) alone. Not many of the people in my close circle of family and friends have to deal with diabetes (fortunately) and therefore aren't bogged down in the details. Nor should they be. But as a person who likes to discuss, re-discuss and discuss things again, it is hard to have only a virtual sounding board in the form of online forums.
So where does this leave me a year later?
A year older. A year wiser. A year healthier. And 365 times more thankful for my life than I was a year ago.
But, damn...diabetes still sucks.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Why do I waste brain power on these things?
The Duggar family of TLC's 19 Kids and Counting fame will soon be 20 Kids and Counting. This piece of news (which personally affects no one I know yet has taken up considerable Facebook conversation time for a lot of people I do personally know) has made me wonder why in the hell I care and why it make me a little crazy that Michelle Duggar is going to pop out kid number 20?
It isn't the fact the the Duggars are "whoring" (not my word here. I borrowed) out their kids to make some money on TV. I actually don't have an issue with that. I mean, the kids may be slightly embarrassed by some of their childhood antics as they grow older and you could blame that on the parents, I suppose. But seriously, how many parents don't threaten to show their kid's future spouses embarrassing photos of their childhood? Do these kids have to put up with people in their homes and perform for the cameras and wake up early to shoot "reality"? Yeah, but I don't call that abuse. Inconvenient, maybe, but not abusive in my book. In fact, I am pretty sure the paycheck has provided some nice things for that family and I know there are parents who do far worse things to make a buck to raise their families.
It isn't the fact that they use a whole lot of stuff. I mean, they are Americans, after all, and all of us Americans use far more than our share of the world's natural resources. Think mud hut in Africa if you aren't following me on this one. Just the fact that we use any kind of motorized transportation or electricity of any kind pretty much throws us into the "more than our fair share" category.
It isn't the fact that the older kids have lots of responsibility for the younger ones. Which, let's face it, they do. One mom and dad cannot possibly be there to wipe every tear and doctor every scrape and brush every tooth when there are that many kids in the house. But that is OK with me, too. They all seem to treat each other pretty well. Maybe it isn't "fair"that the older kids are essentially "mom", but we all screw our kids up in one way or another. I figure they can spend their adult lives doing whatever they want. And if the worst thing that happens to them is that they have to care for their younger siblings, they are doing pretty well, really. If you don't believe me, let me tell you a story about a kid who has a hard time opening her eyes all the way due to undeveloped muscles in her eyelids from being kept in the corner of a dark trailer for the first year of life.
I actually do understand all of the above arguments and don't disagree with those who stand on them. But none of those reasons speak to me. But I think I know the one that does.
Michelle is not a young woman. Difficulties associated with pregnancy and childbirth do not decrease as one gets older. The last Duggar pregnancy was fraught with complications and resulted in the birth of a micro-preemie. Mom and baby both survived and are doing well, but it was touch-and-go for quite a while. Does this mean she doesn't have a right to have more kids? No. I had a preemie and a complicated pregnancy and chose to have another child . AFTER consulting with multiple health professionals. Do I know that Michelle hasn't gotten the go ahead from her doctor and been told there is a 0% chance that she will have another complicated pregnancy? No, I don't know that for sure. But I do know that I wouldn't bet the farm on the odds of that happening.
Now to the real issue for me...Michelle and her husband have both said publicly that they will have as many kids "as God sees fit" and that if she keeps getting pregnant, it is God's will.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Back up the hockey-team-converted-to-Duggar-family-transport-vehicle bus. If God lets you get pregnant again it is his will to risk your own life and the life of a child and possibly leave your other 19 children motherless? Isn't that kind of like the people who choose not to treat their children for cancer because if it is God's will for them to live, they will live without medical intervention? I may have missed the boat, but it seems to me there was something in that there Bible about free will and choosing to go down one path or the other. Last time I checked, the ability or desire to do something didn't necessarily make it a slam dunk in the what-would-Jesus-do "right" game.
So is it God's will for the Duggars to have 20 kids? Maybe. I missed the memo directly from God on that subject evidently. But the memo I did see (in the form of the most printed book of all time) is that as humans we are given free will and are indeed fallible. We don't always choose the right path, even when we think we are doing God's will. We are sinful. We are broken. We are selfish.
I can't help but wonder if maybe Michelle and Jim Bob aren't just a little swayed by what THEY desire rather than determining what it is that GOD desires. Do I have any clue (much less hard evidence) what it is that God desires for the Duggars as far as their family size goes? Ummmmm, no. But I am pretty sure no one else does either. Maybe they are just a little bit selfish - kind of like the rest of us mere mortals. And doesn't that leave open the possibility that they are making ill-informed decisions and then justifying them in a way that is hard to argue with (i.e. God's will) since no one knows that for sure?
Of course I don't know any of this for sure. But, as always, I have an opinion. That I am definitely not afraid to share. After all, if I can share it, it must be God's will that I blog about it all I want to, right? Argue with that one, people.
It isn't the fact the the Duggars are "whoring" (not my word here. I borrowed) out their kids to make some money on TV. I actually don't have an issue with that. I mean, the kids may be slightly embarrassed by some of their childhood antics as they grow older and you could blame that on the parents, I suppose. But seriously, how many parents don't threaten to show their kid's future spouses embarrassing photos of their childhood? Do these kids have to put up with people in their homes and perform for the cameras and wake up early to shoot "reality"? Yeah, but I don't call that abuse. Inconvenient, maybe, but not abusive in my book. In fact, I am pretty sure the paycheck has provided some nice things for that family and I know there are parents who do far worse things to make a buck to raise their families.
It isn't the fact that they use a whole lot of stuff. I mean, they are Americans, after all, and all of us Americans use far more than our share of the world's natural resources. Think mud hut in Africa if you aren't following me on this one. Just the fact that we use any kind of motorized transportation or electricity of any kind pretty much throws us into the "more than our fair share" category.
It isn't the fact that the older kids have lots of responsibility for the younger ones. Which, let's face it, they do. One mom and dad cannot possibly be there to wipe every tear and doctor every scrape and brush every tooth when there are that many kids in the house. But that is OK with me, too. They all seem to treat each other pretty well. Maybe it isn't "fair"that the older kids are essentially "mom", but we all screw our kids up in one way or another. I figure they can spend their adult lives doing whatever they want. And if the worst thing that happens to them is that they have to care for their younger siblings, they are doing pretty well, really. If you don't believe me, let me tell you a story about a kid who has a hard time opening her eyes all the way due to undeveloped muscles in her eyelids from being kept in the corner of a dark trailer for the first year of life.
I actually do understand all of the above arguments and don't disagree with those who stand on them. But none of those reasons speak to me. But I think I know the one that does.
Michelle is not a young woman. Difficulties associated with pregnancy and childbirth do not decrease as one gets older. The last Duggar pregnancy was fraught with complications and resulted in the birth of a micro-preemie. Mom and baby both survived and are doing well, but it was touch-and-go for quite a while. Does this mean she doesn't have a right to have more kids? No. I had a preemie and a complicated pregnancy and chose to have another child . AFTER consulting with multiple health professionals. Do I know that Michelle hasn't gotten the go ahead from her doctor and been told there is a 0% chance that she will have another complicated pregnancy? No, I don't know that for sure. But I do know that I wouldn't bet the farm on the odds of that happening.
Now to the real issue for me...Michelle and her husband have both said publicly that they will have as many kids "as God sees fit" and that if she keeps getting pregnant, it is God's will.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Back up the hockey-team-converted-to-Duggar-family-transport-vehicle bus. If God lets you get pregnant again it is his will to risk your own life and the life of a child and possibly leave your other 19 children motherless? Isn't that kind of like the people who choose not to treat their children for cancer because if it is God's will for them to live, they will live without medical intervention? I may have missed the boat, but it seems to me there was something in that there Bible about free will and choosing to go down one path or the other. Last time I checked, the ability or desire to do something didn't necessarily make it a slam dunk in the what-would-Jesus-do "right" game.
So is it God's will for the Duggars to have 20 kids? Maybe. I missed the memo directly from God on that subject evidently. But the memo I did see (in the form of the most printed book of all time) is that as humans we are given free will and are indeed fallible. We don't always choose the right path, even when we think we are doing God's will. We are sinful. We are broken. We are selfish.
I can't help but wonder if maybe Michelle and Jim Bob aren't just a little swayed by what THEY desire rather than determining what it is that GOD desires. Do I have any clue (much less hard evidence) what it is that God desires for the Duggars as far as their family size goes? Ummmmm, no. But I am pretty sure no one else does either. Maybe they are just a little bit selfish - kind of like the rest of us mere mortals. And doesn't that leave open the possibility that they are making ill-informed decisions and then justifying them in a way that is hard to argue with (i.e. God's will) since no one knows that for sure?
Of course I don't know any of this for sure. But, as always, I have an opinion. That I am definitely not afraid to share. After all, if I can share it, it must be God's will that I blog about it all I want to, right? Argue with that one, people.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Why is this friendship thing so hard?
I happened across this post that I started back in March and find the subject still screaming at me loudly. I guess that means it is time to address it. Somehow spitting these things out on "paper" helps me sort through them in my mind. So here it goes...
Friendship is so complicated. So full of emotions and expectations and evolutions. I WANT it to always be effortless and sweet and mutually fulfilling. I don't want much, do I?
In a world of limited time and energy, I find that I am needing to modify my "friend list". I want to stop wasting time and energy on people I don't enjoy. I want to focus on the friendships I deeply value, some old and some new. I am just not exactly sure how to cut through the rest. "The rest" aren't necessarily bad people. I just want to focus on feeding the good parts of me and certain people are better at helping me do that than others.
I was recently talking to a long-time friend about losing Laurel. He didn't know her well (friends from different life seasons), and I was trying to identify what it was about her that had such a profound effect on me. What came out was that she just was so good at helping me be more of what *I* wanted to be. She made me stop and think about what was at the core of me and what I wanted and then nudged me down that path without judgment or argument. She just made me want to live a bigger life and be a better me. I haven't ever met anyone else who was quite as good at that as she was. I miss knowing that she has my back.
Which brings me to the "seasonal" nature of friendship. The friendships that develop because of an association in time or place are quite disturbing to me in a lot of ways. I tend to bond intensely and then mourn the loss of that bond as time and/or distance erodes it. Not to say that all of those friendships disappear or even really lessen, but the evolution of the nature of the bond is hard for me to handle. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I haven't done enough to nurture the friendships that are/were so valuable to me. Or, even worse, like I picked badly when I realize it is time for me to let a friendship go - that the "season" has passed and for one reason or another that particular friendship is no longer valuable to me. It is hard to let go.
So I guess the deal is this...I need to figure out a way to draw those people that feed my soul closer to me and cut the others loose. And then in return, I need to figure out how to help those people become more of who they want to be. Because Laurel taught me that THAT is the kind of friend I want to be. Now to figure out how to accomplish that.
Why is this friendship thing so hard?
Friendship is so complicated. So full of emotions and expectations and evolutions. I WANT it to always be effortless and sweet and mutually fulfilling. I don't want much, do I?
In a world of limited time and energy, I find that I am needing to modify my "friend list". I want to stop wasting time and energy on people I don't enjoy. I want to focus on the friendships I deeply value, some old and some new. I am just not exactly sure how to cut through the rest. "The rest" aren't necessarily bad people. I just want to focus on feeding the good parts of me and certain people are better at helping me do that than others.
I was recently talking to a long-time friend about losing Laurel. He didn't know her well (friends from different life seasons), and I was trying to identify what it was about her that had such a profound effect on me. What came out was that she just was so good at helping me be more of what *I* wanted to be. She made me stop and think about what was at the core of me and what I wanted and then nudged me down that path without judgment or argument. She just made me want to live a bigger life and be a better me. I haven't ever met anyone else who was quite as good at that as she was. I miss knowing that she has my back.
Which brings me to the "seasonal" nature of friendship. The friendships that develop because of an association in time or place are quite disturbing to me in a lot of ways. I tend to bond intensely and then mourn the loss of that bond as time and/or distance erodes it. Not to say that all of those friendships disappear or even really lessen, but the evolution of the nature of the bond is hard for me to handle. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I haven't done enough to nurture the friendships that are/were so valuable to me. Or, even worse, like I picked badly when I realize it is time for me to let a friendship go - that the "season" has passed and for one reason or another that particular friendship is no longer valuable to me. It is hard to let go.
So I guess the deal is this...I need to figure out a way to draw those people that feed my soul closer to me and cut the others loose. And then in return, I need to figure out how to help those people become more of who they want to be. Because Laurel taught me that THAT is the kind of friend I want to be. Now to figure out how to accomplish that.
Why is this friendship thing so hard?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
:)
The best birthday gifts ever! Along with my wonderful hubby, of course (not pictured - I'll catch him next time, though!).
Saturday, August 27, 2011
One of those days
You know...the kind where anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong?
Dead car battery. Lost car keys. Water leak. Internet problems. Class issues. Strong willed and stubborn 3 year old in tow.
And just to add some misery - a trip to the DMV where they only take cash or checks. Which then requires loading the screaming 3 year old back into the car to go to the bank for cash.
Good times.
But above mentioned 3 year old did provide some comic relief. After screaming in the DMV for about 10 minutes while I tried to renew my license, he stopped crying and promptly announced to all of the workers:
"I am done pitching my fit now".
Thanks little man. We're glad to hear it.
Dead car battery. Lost car keys. Water leak. Internet problems. Class issues. Strong willed and stubborn 3 year old in tow.
And just to add some misery - a trip to the DMV where they only take cash or checks. Which then requires loading the screaming 3 year old back into the car to go to the bank for cash.
Good times.
But above mentioned 3 year old did provide some comic relief. After screaming in the DMV for about 10 minutes while I tried to renew my license, he stopped crying and promptly announced to all of the workers:
"I am done pitching my fit now".
Thanks little man. We're glad to hear it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I would like my normal back now, please.
I just can't seem to right my ship. I can't find my normal, but I know I want it back.
Laurel's death has left me in a place I haven't found myself before - in a spot that I can't "reason" myself out of. No logical thought, step-by-step process or rational thinking is taking me from point a to point B. I am flabbergasted that this loss has knocked me down in a way that nothing else has. I mean, I didn't talk to her everyday. I haven't physically laid eyes on her in years. I hadn't even met her two youngest daughters. But that girl had worked her way into my soul - obviously into one of those places I didn't even know existed because I don't know how to deal with it now that it is exposed.
I get to the point that I think I am on the right track, but then one little (or not-so-little) thing throws me off kilter again. I have less patience than normal (which means I now have ZERO patience), I can't keep the house picked up or get dinner cooked and I just want to run screaming into the night when the car battery dies or the cat pukes on the rug or I wash and dry a pen.
If I went to the doctor, I would bet I would get a diagnosis of depression.
But before my 3 readers (especially you, Mom) freak out and stage an intervention, I would like to say that I KNOW this isn't forever and I KNOW it will get better. I am not spending my days crying or contemplating suicide or coming up with an alternate identity so I can take off for parts unknown. I am familiar with the nature of these things and I fully expect that before long I will once again be riding the high crests of the waves rather than sputtering down here in the troughs. The long and the short of it - some things just suck right now. Not many things, not most things, just some things. And this is one of the blessings of living - having the ability to feel...ALL of it - the good and the bad. I thank God every day that I am here to feel it all. I know I am truly blessed.
But I still want my normal back. And sooner rather than later would be preferable. Pretty please?
Laurel's death has left me in a place I haven't found myself before - in a spot that I can't "reason" myself out of. No logical thought, step-by-step process or rational thinking is taking me from point a to point B. I am flabbergasted that this loss has knocked me down in a way that nothing else has. I mean, I didn't talk to her everyday. I haven't physically laid eyes on her in years. I hadn't even met her two youngest daughters. But that girl had worked her way into my soul - obviously into one of those places I didn't even know existed because I don't know how to deal with it now that it is exposed.
I get to the point that I think I am on the right track, but then one little (or not-so-little) thing throws me off kilter again. I have less patience than normal (which means I now have ZERO patience), I can't keep the house picked up or get dinner cooked and I just want to run screaming into the night when the car battery dies or the cat pukes on the rug or I wash and dry a pen.
If I went to the doctor, I would bet I would get a diagnosis of depression.
But before my 3 readers (especially you, Mom) freak out and stage an intervention, I would like to say that I KNOW this isn't forever and I KNOW it will get better. I am not spending my days crying or contemplating suicide or coming up with an alternate identity so I can take off for parts unknown. I am familiar with the nature of these things and I fully expect that before long I will once again be riding the high crests of the waves rather than sputtering down here in the troughs. The long and the short of it - some things just suck right now. Not many things, not most things, just some things. And this is one of the blessings of living - having the ability to feel...ALL of it - the good and the bad. I thank God every day that I am here to feel it all. I know I am truly blessed.
But I still want my normal back. And sooner rather than later would be preferable. Pretty please?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I don't get it
I keep thinking that if I read enough of the news articles online, I will find one that says it didn't really happen. That my sweet, spunky friend and 3 beautiful little girls weren't really lost. That a doting father and husband wasn't really left here without them. That roads don't fail because too much snow or rain falls.
I can't find the article that says that.
Instead, Googling "Laurel Constantinides" finds nearly 500 articles, most of which state the facts of what they call an unspeakable tragedy. A few of those articles touch on the big hearts and kindness that this family possessed. But none of them remember exactly the Laurel that I remember because in every life she touched, she left something special and unique behind.
She loved tea. And sunflowers. She had this big personality in this little, bitty body. She was so sweet and smart and kind and insightful, but she could get mad, and a little sullen, too. But mostly, she smiled and was always up for a bit of fun (or a grand adventure if the opportunity presented itself). She was spontaneous and crazy and had the best stories. She laughed a lot and she always had some wisdom or insight that was totally appropriate for all of those emotional situations one finds themselves in as a college student.
I met her when I was going through sorority rush at the University of Wyoming and I can't count the number of times we laughed and cried together on thousands of fingers and toes. She slept on the floor in my room in the sorority house when I had a bad breakup - I went with her to take some things back to the ex-boyfriend after she had a bad breakup (let it be noted that he and she both came to their senses some years later and ended up married!). We cried at the end of the semester when we parted and we glared over our shoulders at each other after a particularly dramatic summer together in a rented apartment. I called her La, she taught me to crochet, we sang Billy Joel songs together, we planned how we were going to be cool, old ladies with our silver hair, our sharp wit and our stylish clothes. She put her extra money into mutual funds (who does that at 20years old!?!?) and I spent my extra money on beer. We thought we might move to Ogallala, NE for a summer just because the name was cool. We grew up, we left the Pi Phi house behind. She read a Bible verse at my wedding, I sent her some of my daughter's clothes when Hannah came and she modeled patience and solid parenting when I visited her in Colorado Springs with my particularly cranky child.
Although we came to the point where time and distance separated us, we kept in touch via Facebook - I loved seeing her posts and pictures of her sweet, funny girls and got nostalgic when she told me she missed me if I posted about a particularly crazy adventure. She gave me a list of fostering and adoption books when I needed help for a friend and she inspired me with her ability to be a grown-up but still be a little funky with her cool clothes, her dyed hair, her pink bike and her VW camping van. I loved seeing Alex's Facebook pictures and posts about his beautiful girls - every time I saw one, I thought how happy I was that Laurel had ended up with such a wonderful man to be her husband and a father to those girls.
It is inconceivable to me that I won't see her at Homecoming or a Pi Phi reunion one of these years. That her three girls don't have the chance to grow into adulthood - Laurel would have been the best grandma ever.
I don't dare go through pictures or old letters or think too hard about those times shared years ago because I know my heart won't be able to take it right now. Laurel was a rock to me during the years that I was far from home and learning how to navigate through this world. I never imagined life without her in it.
I am no doubt one of a zillion people whose life Laurel touched in a positive and profound way. There will no doubt be a zillion people at the memorial services and my stories and memories will blend in with all the rest. But I feel profoundly blessed to be one of those to have stories and memories that I can hold on to...for all of those who didn't know Laurel in this life, just look for a bright, shining light in the next - believe me when I say you don't want to miss knowing this one.
Rest in peace, Laurel. You will be missed.
I can't find the article that says that.
Instead, Googling "Laurel Constantinides" finds nearly 500 articles, most of which state the facts of what they call an unspeakable tragedy. A few of those articles touch on the big hearts and kindness that this family possessed. But none of them remember exactly the Laurel that I remember because in every life she touched, she left something special and unique behind.
She loved tea. And sunflowers. She had this big personality in this little, bitty body. She was so sweet and smart and kind and insightful, but she could get mad, and a little sullen, too. But mostly, she smiled and was always up for a bit of fun (or a grand adventure if the opportunity presented itself). She was spontaneous and crazy and had the best stories. She laughed a lot and she always had some wisdom or insight that was totally appropriate for all of those emotional situations one finds themselves in as a college student.
I met her when I was going through sorority rush at the University of Wyoming and I can't count the number of times we laughed and cried together on thousands of fingers and toes. She slept on the floor in my room in the sorority house when I had a bad breakup - I went with her to take some things back to the ex-boyfriend after she had a bad breakup (let it be noted that he and she both came to their senses some years later and ended up married!). We cried at the end of the semester when we parted and we glared over our shoulders at each other after a particularly dramatic summer together in a rented apartment. I called her La, she taught me to crochet, we sang Billy Joel songs together, we planned how we were going to be cool, old ladies with our silver hair, our sharp wit and our stylish clothes. She put her extra money into mutual funds (who does that at 20years old!?!?) and I spent my extra money on beer. We thought we might move to Ogallala, NE for a summer just because the name was cool. We grew up, we left the Pi Phi house behind. She read a Bible verse at my wedding, I sent her some of my daughter's clothes when Hannah came and she modeled patience and solid parenting when I visited her in Colorado Springs with my particularly cranky child.
Although we came to the point where time and distance separated us, we kept in touch via Facebook - I loved seeing her posts and pictures of her sweet, funny girls and got nostalgic when she told me she missed me if I posted about a particularly crazy adventure. She gave me a list of fostering and adoption books when I needed help for a friend and she inspired me with her ability to be a grown-up but still be a little funky with her cool clothes, her dyed hair, her pink bike and her VW camping van. I loved seeing Alex's Facebook pictures and posts about his beautiful girls - every time I saw one, I thought how happy I was that Laurel had ended up with such a wonderful man to be her husband and a father to those girls.
It is inconceivable to me that I won't see her at Homecoming or a Pi Phi reunion one of these years. That her three girls don't have the chance to grow into adulthood - Laurel would have been the best grandma ever.
I don't dare go through pictures or old letters or think too hard about those times shared years ago because I know my heart won't be able to take it right now. Laurel was a rock to me during the years that I was far from home and learning how to navigate through this world. I never imagined life without her in it.
I am no doubt one of a zillion people whose life Laurel touched in a positive and profound way. There will no doubt be a zillion people at the memorial services and my stories and memories will blend in with all the rest. But I feel profoundly blessed to be one of those to have stories and memories that I can hold on to...for all of those who didn't know Laurel in this life, just look for a bright, shining light in the next - believe me when I say you don't want to miss knowing this one.
Rest in peace, Laurel. You will be missed.
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